Goodbye, social media (Part One- My Social Media Story)

        We all have a social media story.  How we found it, how we have navigated it.  Some are more simple than others, but I have a really long, complicated history with social media.  Leaving has been a big decision that has been on my heart for years.  I've been on and off again, but never clearly and completely off- so this will be new for me!  

   I've put off sharing this for awhile, but I think its time.  I think I put it off because I know once I share it, I'm accountable to actually follow through!  On Tuesdays, one of my favorite bloggers shares her linky, Talking about it Tuesday, so I thought, what a better day to share? Maybe I'm ready.. 

   I want to share and be very vulnerable- so I'm sharing in two parts.  My story and history with social media, then why I'm leaving, how long I'm leaving and what my plans are for the future.  So stick with me!  

   Here's my story....

(Part 2 is here)

I remember like it was yesterday....

   I sat in my living room talking on the phone with my Mom.  She was hearing me out.  I was a young Mom, barely 24.  My kiddos were small, my youngest (at the time that was my oldest son, Sawyer had not even been born yet) was  barely a year old.  I was telling her how I was so discouraged, depressed and just distracted.  I wanted to be a good Mom so bad, but for some reason I felt like I was failing at everything.  I asked her to pray, and as I hung up I settled back into my recliner to find something on Netflix.  The rest of my family were upstairs, the kids were asleep.  She called me back immediately, and I was really confused.  She just said one thing...

   "I think you need to delete your facebook."  

    It sounded like a strange request coming from someone who had never had a facebook.  I really didn't even know how to respond.  I told her I would think about it, and she asked me to really give it some thought.  

    I was one of those people who had a facebook account before facebook was cool.  It started out more of a way to connect college students, and I had an account that I never used.  I worked a lot in college and was never very connected, so I honestly just used it as a way to keep up with class notes and such that 'friends' would share.  

   Myspace was popular back then, but even that was hit or miss.  I had blogged on livejournal for years and that seemed to satisfy my creative outlet and my need for connection, even though only about three people read it at the time.  

   Facebook had changed a lot by the time my youngest daughter was born in 2006.  It overpassed my love for livejournal.  Why blog for three people when you can share with an audience of hundreds? Once Facebook opened up its platform publicly and you didn't have to have a college email address to access it, everyone was on facebook.  It bypassed Myspace quickly, and by the day I sat in my living room, everybody was on facebook.  My two youngest had grown up on facebook.  I posted photos daily, everything from playing in the back yard to birthday parties...  I even had a photography business that thrived on facebook.  It was fun to see all my friends profile photos that were photos I had taken.  Facebook was great- I thought.  I LOVED the attention I got from facebook.  I loved posting photos of my children.  Why would I need to get rid of it?   

   I do remember once it made me feel a little icky.  I was in the grocery store and someone I didn't know came up to me and told me she loved seeing pictures of my kids playing in my yard.  I was really confused.  I thought that was our space.  I felt safe and alone...  but I suppose I didn't think about the reach facebook had.  It was normal, and sure enough when I went home I found her on my friends list.  I shook it off, I mean- everyone shared- it was just a part of the world we lived in.  It was normal.  Right?

   After my Mom told me this, it was as if her words cast an uneasiness over it that I couldn't quite shake.  All of the sudden I started questioning something I had never questioned before.  I started to pay attention and I realized just how much time Facebook was taking up in my life.  

   Then I started to really question how it was making me feel.  I wasn't content in my life as a wife and Mom.  Could facebook be the cause for that?  All I could see was my friends from school, working these high paying jobs, going to events and trips that someone with two small children could never do.  I got married very young, and had kiddos early, so a lot of my friends were still in their college days, traveling all over.  It created a discontent in me that was affecting me in so many ways- and it was really just hurting me.  

   She was absolutely right.  I needed to delete facebook....

    I nevously posted on my "wall" (I don't think facebook has that anymore, right?) that I was going to delete facebook, so if anyone wanted to get their photos off of my photography page I gave them some time.  I was bombarded by some strong opinions.  So many people said it was a mistake.  I even clearly remember someone saying "But you are a bright light in a dark world!" which was convicting.  People would miss me, they would miss my photos.  A lot didn't understand.  Of course you have those who wanted to make me feel guilty- like it was due to me being weak, that I couldn't control it.  Even hurtful to a point, as some made the case that they were okay with it because they could use it responsibly- as if there was some sort of defect in me that made me less of a person because I couldn't.  There were hurtful comments.  I wasn't sure where that kind of anger came from back then.  Now I believe it was sort of a way of those who were also feeling the pull to leave convincing themselves that I was being ridiculous, but at that time, it stung.  

   Then I got an email from a sweet lady that I had went to highschool with.  She told me as she read my post about distraction and how I was longing to feel connected to my family- she said she had tears streaming down her cheeks.  She too had realized how much time Facebook had taken from her.  She felt convicted in the same way, and although she had not made the decision to step away, she had decided to back off some, and she thanked me for my words.  Another one of my friends actually called me.  She was new to facebook, but had instantly felt like it was not for her.  She said she felt pressured to be on it, so she could be connected and keep up with everyone- but she said my words had given her the strength to let it go and it was strength that she needed.  All in all, I knew it was God confirming that I was making the right decision.  I knew there would be repercussions, but I was confident that I was making the best decision for my family.  

    I was right about repercussions.  I thought I had about 500 friends lol.  Obviously there weren't that many that reached out to say hello or to keep in touch.  I found that out of the 1200 or so people who 'liked' my photography page seemed to move on from me pretty quickly, and forgot that I existed.  It was hard at first, I felt like I had 'lost' a lot of friends.  But honestly, I think that I just found out who my real friends actually were.  I learned quickly that not everyone who is your 'friend' on facebook even remembers you when you're not online.  But then again, I think its better to have four quarters than a hundred pennies.  

   I spent years away from facebook.  I found blogging at that time and a smaller community, but it was nice.  Blogging gave me a creative outlet.  Also, blogging was something I had to sit and spend time doing intentionally, not just on a whim.  I also actively participated in blogging communities rather than just observing.  It was a good space for me.  Then in 2012, I discovered something new.

Who remembers early instagram collages? LOL!

   My family and I went on a beach trip with my younger sister and my Mom.  She had this great new app called "Instagram"  I didn't even have a smartphone at the time, but I was obsessed.  I remember creating one on her phone and spending most of that vacation taking and posting pictures.  I loved the filters, I loved the collages, I just LOVED that app!  And all my friends had already found it.  I was obsessed!  She was really annoyed with how much I liked it and me asking constantly if I could use her phone.  I just couldn't get enough.  

   I came home from the trip and immediately ordered an iphone.  It is funny that instagram was the reason I got a smartphone in the first place.   I was so excited when I opened it, and instagram was the first thing I downloaded (followed closely by songpop, lol)  I spent the afternoon posting pics.  

   We lived in a single wide in the middle of nowhere at the time.  I already felt isolated and alone, so I thought tis was the perfect way to feel connected to friends again.  At first, that's what it felt like.  For some reason I had forgotten by then how facebook had made me feel.  This was new, and I was excited.  

   

   I think I always struggled a little with instagram, I never kept it very long.  I would use it, feel like it was getting out of control then I would deactivate it.  It was in that home that I found out I was pregnant with our youngest son, so instead of facebook, that period of our lives were chronicled on instagram.  At first it was just fun.  I had never had the facebook app on my phone, so I had never experienced the draw of constantly checking facebook like I did instagram.  I saw a quotes once that said "checking social media is like opening the refrigerator- nothing changes, but you still keep checking just in case."  

   

   Jump forward to 2015.  My family was living in a much bigger home about thirty minutes away.  It was the furthest we had lived from family at that time.  We had just left the church that Stephen had given his call to preach in, served as the youth pastor and been ordained.  We knew it was time to move on, and we were desperately seeking where God wanted us to go.  I had enrolled the older three children in school out of desire for direction.  We were in a place where we knew God was moving, we just didn't know where.  

   I was also fighting against my husband- feeling like we were called to Bible college, two hours away from our family.  That was not what I had envisioned in our lives.  I wanted my kids to grow up spending lots of time with their Grandparents and cousins, not living away!   It was a hard time for sure, and Instagram didn't make it any easier for me.

   I remember that was when I started to feel like maybe it was not good for me.  Sometimes it made me feel like I was going crazy.  It had a pull on me that I couldn't understand.  One day, I was so fed up with it.  I remember sitting in my floor crying while my baby played at the train table. It hurt me that I spent so much time on my phone.  It hurt me that it made me feel lonely and discontent, but I felt like it had an addictive power over me that I could not control.  

   I went in the kitchen, filled a pitcher up with water, and I dropped my smartphone in it.  

   Sounds crazy?  Maybe.  But it was freeing to me!  Stephen didn't love my decision when he came home, but he was supportive and realized that it was actually a big problem for me.  He agreed to delete all of his social media as well, and help me walk through the process with me.

   I switched to a flip phone, and walked through one of the most difficult parts of our lives with a flip phone.  I was so much better for it!  I'll always remember those times, how it brought my family so much closer together.  We were alone, away from family.  It was hard, but it brought us so close together as a family.  I have to believe being away from social media contributed to that in a big way.

   

   We did make the move to Bible College.  It was the first step in a long walk through fulltime ministry.  I'll always think of those days in that little apartment with such fondness and good memories.

   We adjusted, and being in a new town, I did decide ultimately to go back to a smartphone so I could navigate our town better.  I think it was about a year into living there, but the smartphone made it easier to navigate an area that was unfamiliar to me.  I don't remember exactly when I went back to social media- I think it just kind of happened organically.  I would swtich from facebook to instagram, and although something inside of me knew I was better without it, it was a way to keeping connected for me when my life was moving really fast.

   

   Our first church was 7 hours away.  I remember distinctly that I had social media then, because when you move to the beach you have a lot of friends lol.  I had someone we knew from Bible college ask to come stay with us, and we hadn't spoken much at all the whole time we lived there!  I kept our company to just friends who had been friends for years, but still remained on social media with the rest.

   However, it was a double edged sword.  It's not easy being that far away from the town you called home for almost 30 years of your life.  It's truly not easy when you see everyone you left behind living their lives, and when you're very lonely, it really soaks deep.  I read a book once that said social media was hard because we normally check it when we are depleted, and when we are depleted, we soak things in deeply.  This was so true.  When I was lonely and homesick, I checked social media.  This inevitably made it worse.

   Still, that didn't deter me.  Back and forth, back and forth.  Facebook to Instagram.  I just could not settle in my heart that I was better without it, and I've spent years trying to juggle one or the other.  I've not been as active as I was in the past, but still it had a pull on me that I could not seem to break away from, no matter how hard I tried.

   

   There's my story, of my past with social media.  I'll continue tomorrow with part two, my present relationship with social media, and why I've decided after years of going back and forth that its time to put it behind me- completely!

Read about Part 2 of my journey here...

   

I'm also linking up with some fun parties!  Come join me!